Brand New Key

Someone keeps stealing the bathroom key at my office. Now the thing that gets to me, is that this is the second time this has happened this month. The second time this month that I've had to hold my business for as long as possible. The second time that, when i can't hold it no more, I reatreat to the second-floor dentist office, where I sneak into the facilities there. The second time this month that I flee from the dentist's bathroom before a suspecting patron or hygenist catches me in the act. The third time I've worn a wig in an effort to not be recognized in a bathroom stall, and the fifth time I've crapped myself as an adult. Please. Give back the key. I'm about to go into the trash can in protest of such a vile world where bathroom keys are teated like a second-class inanimate objects like shoelaces or gas station receipts. It was a brand new key man, a brand new key.